Lessons I've Learned About Men

This will be a very brief post.





Have jumped around the decades a little this half term. Despite being a married-mother -of-two thirty-something-year-old, I have been living it up like a twenty year old organising my sister's hen do in London. As a result, I now look like a well worn fortysomething. However, these life lessons aren't just etched on my face. With the clarity that only three bottles of fizz can give you, I realised a few home truths about men through the course of the hen night (dinner/burlesque show/ club).

1) If they're hot and they know it, they're probably knobs. This was the guy that had us all wondering whether we should be married at all (not just the bride to be):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OmJwzt1Qyg&feature=related He would be welcome to leave dirty rings around the bath in my house.

However, when he came in to the VIP area after the show, he wanted nothing to do with the clacking hens and did not appear to speak a word of English. Strange. I thought we were irresistible.

2) Never underestimate a man who can rollerskate.

This guy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNlFiw1lNW0&feature=PlayList&p=E5CFA40365B6D254&playnext=1&index=20 divorced his skate partner 23 years ago but they still perform together in post-marital bliss. He was not averse to clacking hens and took my sister up on the stage to perform move #17.
Despite appearances, we were all slightly in love with him by the end of the night.

3) A man's memory is inversely proportionate to the amount of time he has been married.

As expected, I wrote a long series of 'Mr & Mrs' questions for my future brother in law. He was slightly nonplussed (being American, he wasn't aware of the 'Mrs & Mrs' genre) and slightly bemused by the question about the name of the bride's 'blanky'. My sister has never had a 'blanky'; I'd copied and pasted the questions from another hen night I'd been to and forgotten to delete that one. He had visions of all sorts of post-wedding revelations: blankies, toe nail eating, ex husbands.... However, despite his misgivings, the groom performed impeccably and was not only able to name dates and times of significant events but also longitude and latitude, what my sister was wearing, music playing and current weather. We were impressed.

Returning home, smelling slightly bad and looking forward to a tearful reunion with husband and children (I was right about the tears - oh they must punish you for fun had away), I thought it might be nice to run through the questions with DH after nine years of marriage. Foolish error.

Which leads me on to today's list:

THINGS MY HUSBAND HAS FORGOTTEN:

1) His mother's middle name. Which is why, when I proudly announced to her that DD1's middle name was 'Elizabeth' in her honour, she replied: 'That's lovely, dear. But my middle name's Diane.'

2) Our first wedding anniversary. Which is why we nearly didn't make it to our second. He would not forget again.

3) Our anniversary last year. Which is why he was slightly confused but nonetheless happy to go out for dinner midweek. He will not be forgetting again.

THINGS MY HUSBAND NEVER FORGETS
1) How long it has been since we last had sex.

2) Points scored by Wales in every Six Nations match ever played.

3) How many times he has driven when we've gone out. This is largely so he can reduce #1.