Travels to my Aunts

Excuse the title. I’m not a big fan of Graham Greene but I am a big fan of trying to appear cleverer than you are.

This summer I went to visit my three aunts in America and at the time things were a bit shitty. My grandmother was dying and my horse needed a major operation; I’ve tried to put those two things in order of priority but at the time it didn’t feel so straight forward. Work was crazy and my two daughters were like flour – self raising.

Daughter #1 was getting along ok but #2 was turning into a bit of a monster. She was ferocious and funny and already running with the big dogs at nursery. I’m a professional with almost a decade of teaching experience – including the ability to make 17 year old boys cry – and yet she could stare me down, beat me down and get me down pretty much effortlessly. By the time we reached the States, we were in a permanent stand off.

Of course, she was just ferociously funny with my family and they all adored her ‘spark’ (their word – mine was ‘orneriness’). And that was the problem; how to make her follow the simple rules of social acceptability without destroying her spirit. It was like trying to save only one side of a coin.

And their advice was so simple – they said her peers will educate her. And they were right. It wasn’t my response which would mould her behaviour – if anything, I was making it worse; it was her peers. And a bit of tough love from the three year old gang at nursery has worked wonders since September.

I miss my family and wish they were not 6000 miles away. But I am going to hug my family, who are right here, a little bit closer.

Childline on Speed Dial

Today's triumphs of parenting include:


making Mouse cry twice whilst completing her homework;


making Blossom finish a yogurt that was eleven days out of date.




I'm sure bathtime will make it a hat trick.

The Secret Life of a Phone

I don't think my phone ever intended to end up in my ownership. It thwarts my every attempt to master its technical wizardry. The 'email push' function pushes all my emails off the edge of a cliff. At least once a week, the date reverts to May 22nd 2009 or flips forward to September. Calendar dates roll mysteriously on to the next day so I am woken up by a 'reminder' at 1am that it is Blossom's nursery photo yesterday.

But most telling is the predictive text. That is the surest sign that my Nokia E63 should really be owned by a childfree executive with a busy social life and the technical ability of Bill Gates rather than a country mum of two.

Before I have got three letters in, 'milk' becomes 'million', 'children' become 'chilled', 'heat' becomes 'Heathrow' and so a mundane text about my mundane life potentially becomes a thrillingly expensive jaunt to a chilled out luxury destination.

The only reassurance that it might be my phone after all is when 'bath' becomes 'battle'.

Princesses and Ponies

Took two daughters and two dogs to local horsey thing yesterday. Furious with husband for abadoning me to chaos in torrential rain. Started on the cider at 11.45am.

Great local excitement. Zara Phillips there.

Pointed her out to Daughter #1.

Daughter torn between grave disappointment that her first real life princess was tiara-less, ball dress-less and glass slipper-less and fever pitch excitement that she was obviously horsey.

She did smile at us. But might have just been laughing at the commoner, tangled up in two dog leads.

Car Conversation

Driving to local supermarket for post holiday shop.

Realise have forgotton 'bags for life'.

Slam hand on steering wheel.

Daughter 1: What's wrong?

Me: I forgot the bags for the supermarket.

Daughter 2: It's OK. If you're really cross, you can say 'F&%£ING HELL'

Daughter 1 & I look at each other in horror.

Daughter 2: It's fine. Daddy says it all the time.

Which is more at risk? The environment or daughter's moral upbringing?

Things the Puppy Has Chewed

THINGS THE PUPPY HAS CHEWED:

1. Barbie's foot



2. Phone charger (into five pieces)



3. Corner of kitchen dresser



4. One Nigella Lawson cookbook (was it hungry?)



5. Three year old's finger



6. Bottle of Aftersun



7. Cast iron aga



8. Five year old's new trainers (this might be a blessing - they were hateful sequinned things bought by mother in law)

THINGS THE PUPPY HAS NOT CHEWED:

1. The 15 chew toys we bought it.

Is it illegal to hate a black labrador puppy?

Semi Failure

I'm gutted that I can't even manage to post on a regular basis. Exactly one month between posts is not the 'disciplined diary' I aspired to...

So I'm reverting to my fall back tactic in times of craziness and making lists:

Things that have made me happy this month:

1. Staying at a nice hotel on my own (for work) and being able to go to the gym, swim, order room service, watch a movie and NOT do bath time, tea time, school run etc.
2. Getting a new black labrador puppy.
3. Getting ready to fly out to sunshine for my sister's wedding at Easter.
4. Daffodils.

Things that have not made me happy this month:

1. Being away from home for four separate conferences and missing bath time, tea time, school run etc.
2. Cleaning up umpteen puppy piddles and poos - even the recently potty trained daughter is horrified.
3. Getting stressed about non-bikini ready body (it's March for Chrissake!), making lists for parents in law (having children), step sister (having puppy), aunt (having horses), cleaner (having cat). Now so stressed that period is ten days late and will get it (naturally!) when I arrive at the beach.
4. State of the garden. Hedges are almost as unruly as my bikini line. Maybe the Black & Decker trimmer could do double duty?

As I have said in most of the 348 reports I have written this term: MUST TRY HARDER.