Childline on Speed Dial

Today's triumphs of parenting include:


making Mouse cry twice whilst completing her homework;


making Blossom finish a yogurt that was eleven days out of date.




I'm sure bathtime will make it a hat trick.

The Secret Life of a Phone

I don't think my phone ever intended to end up in my ownership. It thwarts my every attempt to master its technical wizardry. The 'email push' function pushes all my emails off the edge of a cliff. At least once a week, the date reverts to May 22nd 2009 or flips forward to September. Calendar dates roll mysteriously on to the next day so I am woken up by a 'reminder' at 1am that it is Blossom's nursery photo yesterday.

But most telling is the predictive text. That is the surest sign that my Nokia E63 should really be owned by a childfree executive with a busy social life and the technical ability of Bill Gates rather than a country mum of two.

Before I have got three letters in, 'milk' becomes 'million', 'children' become 'chilled', 'heat' becomes 'Heathrow' and so a mundane text about my mundane life potentially becomes a thrillingly expensive jaunt to a chilled out luxury destination.

The only reassurance that it might be my phone after all is when 'bath' becomes 'battle'.

Princesses and Ponies

Took two daughters and two dogs to local horsey thing yesterday. Furious with husband for abadoning me to chaos in torrential rain. Started on the cider at 11.45am.

Great local excitement. Zara Phillips there.

Pointed her out to Daughter #1.

Daughter torn between grave disappointment that her first real life princess was tiara-less, ball dress-less and glass slipper-less and fever pitch excitement that she was obviously horsey.

She did smile at us. But might have just been laughing at the commoner, tangled up in two dog leads.

Car Conversation

Driving to local supermarket for post holiday shop.

Realise have forgotton 'bags for life'.

Slam hand on steering wheel.

Daughter 1: What's wrong?

Me: I forgot the bags for the supermarket.

Daughter 2: It's OK. If you're really cross, you can say 'F&%£ING HELL'

Daughter 1 & I look at each other in horror.

Daughter 2: It's fine. Daddy says it all the time.

Which is more at risk? The environment or daughter's moral upbringing?

Things the Puppy Has Chewed

THINGS THE PUPPY HAS CHEWED:

1. Barbie's foot



2. Phone charger (into five pieces)



3. Corner of kitchen dresser



4. One Nigella Lawson cookbook (was it hungry?)



5. Three year old's finger



6. Bottle of Aftersun



7. Cast iron aga



8. Five year old's new trainers (this might be a blessing - they were hateful sequinned things bought by mother in law)

THINGS THE PUPPY HAS NOT CHEWED:

1. The 15 chew toys we bought it.

Is it illegal to hate a black labrador puppy?

Semi Failure

I'm gutted that I can't even manage to post on a regular basis. Exactly one month between posts is not the 'disciplined diary' I aspired to...

So I'm reverting to my fall back tactic in times of craziness and making lists:

Things that have made me happy this month:

1. Staying at a nice hotel on my own (for work) and being able to go to the gym, swim, order room service, watch a movie and NOT do bath time, tea time, school run etc.
2. Getting a new black labrador puppy.
3. Getting ready to fly out to sunshine for my sister's wedding at Easter.
4. Daffodils.

Things that have not made me happy this month:

1. Being away from home for four separate conferences and missing bath time, tea time, school run etc.
2. Cleaning up umpteen puppy piddles and poos - even the recently potty trained daughter is horrified.
3. Getting stressed about non-bikini ready body (it's March for Chrissake!), making lists for parents in law (having children), step sister (having puppy), aunt (having horses), cleaner (having cat). Now so stressed that period is ten days late and will get it (naturally!) when I arrive at the beach.
4. State of the garden. Hedges are almost as unruly as my bikini line. Maybe the Black & Decker trimmer could do double duty?

As I have said in most of the 348 reports I have written this term: MUST TRY HARDER.

A Day in the Life ...

Husband is full of himself. 'His' trade journal have just said that they would like to profile him with a 'Day in the Life' style article. He is unbearable.

HOW HE SEES HIS DAY IN PRINT
7.00am Wake up to birdsong and a day ripe with potential.

HOW IT REALLY IS
5.47am Wake up to three year old beside bed and a nappy ripe with 'processed' satsumas.

7.10am Break three minute mile during morning run.
6.10am Break wind.

7.50am Have sex in the shower.
7.10am Unblock the shower.

8.00am Breakfast (organic muesli and designer Italian coffee).
8.00am Breakfast (leftover coco pops and rejected toast crusts).

8.20am Finish morning grooming routine.
8.20 am Plait five year old's hair.

8.45am Conference call with Government Head Honchos
8.45am Flirt with mothers at the school gate

9.15am Put finishing touches to groundbreaking report
9.15am Put away laundry

9.30am - 3.00pm Tackling (his particular brand of) crime wherever it may raise its head.
9.30am - 3.00pm Tackling (his particular brand of) crime wherever it may raise its head plus sweeping the kitchen floor, hoovering the living room, emptying the dishwasher, putting away the online shopping order, walking the dog, picking up orthopedic slippers for my great grandmother and sorting Barbie crap from Bratz crap from random pink crap.

3.15pm Conference call with Government Head Honchos.
3.15pm Flirt with mothers at the school gate.

4.00pm Negotiate multi-agency contract.
4.00pm Negotiate whether the three year old or five year old gets to choose the TV channel.

6.00pm Get sloshed with friends in trendy city bar.
6.00pm Get sloshed at bathtime.

7.00pm Meet wife for dinner at Michelin starred restaurant.
7.00pm Meet wife on the landing. Agree to have coco pops for supper.

8.30pm Move on for drinks and maybe a club.
8.30pm Asleep.

Husband has just read this over my shoulder. Strongly disagrees and has gone off in a huff. Said sex in the shower would have lasted far longer than ten minutes.